err...okey NG. It seems like after the whole "upload change", im not scouted anymore? I duno the reason but, ok than. *shrug*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHxQ4Nk9tpo

This will be a longer journal since its being a longer wile that i did literally anything in the internet or, mostly, on my art pages and similar. Please take your time to read it.

----------

Its being a wile i did post something about me or "art" or similar, well, stuff from me and i basically just "vanished" for over a month with no real word from me.

To say it that way, i hope by now that a lot people know that i suffer through depression. Im not just "in a bad mood", it hitted me very very V E R Y hard this time of the year. In fact, I'm diagnosed with "derpession, passiv suicide". But i wanna fall back in time a bit when this stuff all started which would be the death of my father 2 years ago but i think this has something todo with this years easters case, the moment my mother HAD to go to a care-taker home.

Basically i grew up in a big family, grew up in my family home. A kinda big one with basement, first and second floor. With my mother going to said care-taker home, the family broke appart, literally.

They left the family home, abandoned it basically, and left also their stuff behind they dont need to take with them. In short: the house looks from the inside AND outside like a mess.

And the only one left "here" is me right now.

Im still here in said home because i tried to repair it, keep it "alive" so to speak. But this was all only more or less a wish-dream from me and i saw that through my own hand my "world" slowly slips away, piece by piece...

I felt into depression because of all of this, with no help, noone to understand and not-"really" someone who could understand me for the longest time. I couldnt really find any sleep because of the mail i could get which wants something from my mom she couldnt pay, i couldnt really eat since i was worried of something might goes down hill, all that stories and things. I was worried about ANYTHING.

And last month i reached my limit. I know i couldnt do this and i have to "let go". I was in shock as well because we couldnt really pay the care-taker home my mother IS in so, at the end, we HAVE to sell said family home for it.

This of course brings emotions - and mostly for me: Panic. I was literally fallin into some kind of panic mode. i couldnt think straight, i couldnt sit straight - even on my working place i couldnt do jack shit. They knew i dont have the "nervs" right now for work and so i had a talk. A talk which helped me out.

Now, im moving out soon (18 december) to my "own care-taker place" but more something like a "rehabilitation" home. I can live in there like i normally did before but with help on my side. They try to work with me on my situation and on my depression and motivation.

Keeping it short, my whole mutivation went down hill. i didnt draw, i didnt work on anything which "could" relax me over the last time i posted (which was BEFORE Halloween). 18 December, im also moving out to said new place which means im getting my stuff together to move out soon.

I only hope, that i will feel better soon and that i might can do/draw something soon again as well, if im more relaxed and feel better for it...

So, now you know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0DDY299Ly4

I guess...

So first of all because people asked as well, i open my doors again for my DISCORD server.

So if you wanna join a small community which draws, enjoys games and has sometimes even weekly events for fun stuff, come over ^^

https://discord.gg/U6995dtT

And as or the second call, i hope everyone has an already great halloween time :D So yea ^^ have a good one and/or join my discord if you wanna. Again, we play games there and draw n stream and stuff X3

being honest here that the last weeks were not as good as i thought and that rl around me brings me into situations that i literally HAVE to change (at least rl wise) i thought about my art and that its halloween time.

With that in mind i do have "some" ideas for cosplays for this year but not a lot or at least not the "number" i need. Since i mostly go with video game characters - fondly more the ones i know or remember at least - im running low on "good" ideas.

So if you have some cosplay ideas for female characters, let me know. maybe you have some which might fit my characters better than the ones i had in mind.

But yea, i will start soon with said cosplays and put the bikini series in a "on hold" thing. duno if i even say "wouldnt it be to late to draw bikinis in NOVEMBER?" so yea, halloween first i guess hehehe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kewTJZKXffE

You know, sometimes you wonder...

You wonder what is different between the doing of "you" and "others" or why "this" is different or why its not "making click" with you.

To explain a bit further what i mean is, a lot people know, if they watch me or follow me, that i try my own things and artistic design or create my own music, games or what ever i basically i do.

Before i sound maybe rude and unthankful, im not. im glad for every watcher and follower of mine and even more happy for every HONEST review or critic because it seems like i "might" do have a lot watchers on some pages like DA or FA but "silent watchers" as i call them are maybe nice to have but are sadly nothing more than a number. Most of them, if im really honest here, do not watch me for my art or creations, they do because i did draw ones maybe some original character (you know who if i just say the color blue...) in a seductive pose or similar - and yea, im not mad to say such watchers suck the most because lets face the fact that they dont watch me for my art or stuff im doing, they "thought" they watch some artist which might creates some honker-pictures from some known furry lady which literally got raped already at least 5 times by the rest of the furry fandom anyways.

*ahem*

I know i went far off track but what i mean is, the ones which -are- my more active watcher are the ones i really honor the most and not someone which literally says nothing or watches me for, well, "said stuff".

To the topic, as of late i also was looking around because i basically suffer a bit of artblock "kinda". i mean i have a theme but no idea what to draw or better, "how" to draw it.

So i was like "lets look around what other artists do. maybe i can get an idea or similar". Im sure people know what i mean.

...And...can i say...am i so out of touch? I SERIOUSLY feel like that im something of an outdated "artist" which tries to hold on idials noone cares about anymore and similar stuff.

I mean, did you guys look around "what" such called "artists" nowadays do, draw, create and use? Is there even somehow SOMEWHAT of honor somewhere behind those peoples monitors?

Again, by now im sure people know what grinds my gears but holy fuck do i have to count up some shit...

-----

"AntiYCH"

Falling with the door right into the house, lets begin with this one.

On paper, this seems like a good idea and this could have gone a lot ways but yes, i dont name the artist who "created" this..."thing" but let me explain it because its a bit "unclear" for sure just by reading it. I mean, you could have thought its a nice script or some pose idea with random pictures or figures right? hahaha - no. Nada. compliedly wrong.

If your idea was basically that you pay a kinder surprise egg with the only and ONLY knowledge of knowing what you "end up" with is with your character than youre a winner. Yes, you heard it right. the "core" of this said "AntiYCH" is that you pay a price to let your character drawn in basically ANY situation. the artist you give the "permission" (aka the money) to draw your character basically spins a wheel with tags on it. those can be normal or NSFW tags ranging from normal one to literally borderline compliedly extreme ones you MIGHT dont wanna see your character in - most offer also 2 tags aka 2 spins to create a combo. The deal is also if you wanna see such "tags" you dont like your character be drawn in "gone", some artists offer an extra price to "erase" those from the wheel for you.

IF you thought already that this is basically gambling, you won yourself a new shiny toaster! congratulations! Get it on the way out of here because stuff gets more nutty than this~

-----

"Originality"

It seems like as of late a lot "artists" tend to use a lot memes in their art next to the usual stuff they did do already and this is something i noticed a lot MOSTLY around newgrounds. I mean i dont call out names of "artists" here but here is the thing:

On newgrounds, ONE of the rules is WHEN EVER YOU UPLOAD something there that you D O N T use anything you dont have the rights to - basically copyrighted stuff and like.

So when ever i tried to upload something with something copyrighted, it gets quickly taken down which is infact a good point...

...so why the fuck do people still use and S T I L L upload videos, animations or similar with CLEARLY COPYRIGHTED (or trademarked) MUSIC?

Like is this a thing? Are only people with higher ranks are "supost" to upload videos with copyrighted content in it? I mean i dont get it, can someone clear me up? why is it that if someone uses the tetris theme, as one sample, with barely any watchers, in one of his videos, has to take it down on newgrounds wile i could name 100% FOR SURE RIGHT NOW AT ONES AT L E A S T 5-10 videos with copyrighted content in them which are LONGER THAN 1 WEEK old on newgrounds? No, im dead serious here, SOME of them got even P L A C E D for rewards n shit WITH said copyrighted content in it.

Thats what i call a great double standart there am i right? I mean i dont get the vote system on Newgrounds anyways. All i see are mostly fans buttvoting their faved "artist" just 5 stars up the ass wile real gems get nearly no vote or end up in limbo. I saw some.

I mean i could use a personal sample with "DareDevil 2" which actually DID got called out already on other pages as "small but fine hidden gem" but on newgrounds its basically a street prostitute which doesnt use any "buzz words" or looks "hip" on the first glance.

Am not mad because it is that way because i can come with another logic sample that, AGAIN, i cant be such a bad "creator" of games if literally a FUCKING SIMPLE breakout clone with some naked IMP pictures (thx Faly again) is even better rated there than a 3-year work project. Yes, this is how fucked up the rate- n vote system is on newgrounds and im honest here, i hate it, no. i dispite it.

Im serious here. I like if people sure vote my things and stuff but if they are honest, its worth more than a vote.

A lot people on other pages, and some on newgrounds, already leave comments under my work and i try to read every single one. it helps me more than 5 star-ing all stuff and basically dont leave a comment at all. Think about it: how do you think artists will learn? If you literally carry their shit up their ass or if you tell them what they maybe could better? critique, comments, communication. THOSE are just some key words here.

-----

I could go on and on now but i had to get this out of my system because as of late, i feel like im a "diing creator". a being which only exists because i have still some honor and "faith". but yea...looking around me and seeing "things" which also call themselves "artists" or "creators"...

If those "things" which call themselves creators "mean" it, humanity has fallen from its grace not just ONE step from its ladder, just saying.

For people which are suffering through bad days, feeling down or, being that honest, suffer of depression:

this might will help understand your problem or other(s) problem better.

Its not fun to be missunderstood on this world nor is it fun if you dont see really any alternative in your life anymore. what ever the reason is why you feel the way you do, remember one tiny thing:

You are not alone.

Suffering of the "black dog" or depression, so to speak, is not good and even i suffer through it. I am on the way to work on it, getting people which try to help me with my problems and i got myself some books which are called "i had a black dog" and "living with a black dog". One of the books, the first, is for people which have depression - the other is for understanding how depression "works".

i found myself the said books as actual videos which are quite nice to look. i hope those might will cheer you a bit up or, at least, help you understand the black dog a bit better.

Depression is from case to case different. Some people might dont understand it and try only their best to help which, for the people which DO suffer through it, might take different. Even if said person might be grumpy, im sure they dont often mean it this way.

i hope this 2 videos/books help you understand a bit more of the world from people which suffer of the black dog...

video 1 > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

video 2 > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRRx7Mtep8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28--5aEV1Z0

Kinda funny to say, this "song" is basically my brain right now if i try to get "ANY" idea to draw something - im literally like trying hard but cant force myself to get one.

And before i ruin myself and literally DO force myself to draw something, i better take some days and draw something i like and not any half-baked souless art i might dont enjoy doing nor you guys looking at.

With that said, im really in need of some good (and fitting...) ideas. So i will take it a bit "slower" that the art i create will still look good and, as i said, not like half-baked souless art i just shit out for some attention.

Next to this, Faly got in touch with me and we might also create something together soon if i get some days off to "work" on it (thats a hint, take it as you wish~).

Else, whats new?

Well as i said i got my new PC now and it works great. I also try to work on my health and depression problems - in fact i orderd myself a book i got said might helps me, "my black dog" (german title "Mein schwarzer Hund", link here: https://www.amazon.de/dp/3888975379 ). Im not really someone who DOES read a lot but someone told me it might helps me so i thought why not.

Else yea, not much is new. Need to find some ideas and maybe feel a bt better to get back drawing something good. i still have one picture in the making but after that one, its literally riddle time to get a new idea heh ^^;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWxQSLGegDg

Ok, corona by side now and that literally the last years were basically HELL for me anyway (and for most people as well), as of late, i more and more noticed that a lot stuff feels really "off" in this years. This might happend already earlier but i think it really did start, for the most part, around the 2020s.

What i mean is literally stereotyping everything here somewhat.

As one sample, i tried to ignore todays "kids" music and what they listen - i mean tbh, a lot is really bull and some days ago, i basically got even agreed on the fact by others as well.

Just some days ago, here in germany on my workplace, one of my workbuddies booted up his "music playist" which were suppost to be "new music" (some of them in german).

We listen to it a bit wile we were working but just like after 2 songs, it was basically all "remixes" of music from the old early 90s and 80s.

Dont get me wrong, i like remixes and i like synthwave version of music (hinting the music i linked as ONE sample) but those music was also PROMOTED as "new music" as we changed to actual radio channels.

Like, the actual fack? It feels like musicians cant create anything new anymore and just "grab" something random from an old era which was somewhat good...and make it WORSE and call it music?

Im so glad i grew up years ago because holy fuck is that horrible - even more for the german-music part, trust me here.

Same would also be the trend i already TALKED about which is the artistic trend of drawing females - or transforming them basically - as "bimbos" or "bimbo-fied".

Yes, as of late (at least as i kinda said already so i try to keep it short this time), where EVER you look around, you see a lot "known" artists draw such characters nowadays. short stacked, small, super oversized boobs and hips. Not fitting the characters at all nor would a normal person be able to move with them. Again, trying to keep it short but everyone has his/her own taste..but jesus FUCKING crrrrrist, at least think a bit BEFORE you create such monster. Such characters cant move at fucking all so jesus, dont play "god" with them.

Of course, im just a voice in the wind and sure, none of those artists would take even 2 cents from me for real NOR am i the one who creates "the norm" or something...but my characters can at least breath and fucking move. So again, i didnt say everyone should draw like me and thin characters (because that was last time compliedly missunderstood...) but at least somewhat trustworthy, believeable AND SOMEWHAT "relatable" because than people actually enjoy such charcters more for sure. But yea, than we have of course "the horny" ones which literally give a fuck about such stuff and literally 5-star everything which is fuckable with 2 legs and at least 1 hole anyway i guess...

Another one since the late years, i mean its longer by now for sure but..., its the whole "remake" trend. Movies, Games, musics (basically as i said), it feels like nothing "new" is comming out anymore but gets either "remasterd", "remade" or similar - or a new game is "suppost" to be "free to pleeeee" but has like 5k multi transactions and microtransactions where you already can see that the creators of such games doesnt "want" you to enjoy their game, they wanna milk the living shit out of you.

As for one sample would be, for me, and im sure a lot know that i am a huge lemmings fan.

... Did someone of you ever tried the "game" horror on mobile phones which is the Lemmings game on mobile? How in the FACKING world could Lemmings, a great puzzle platformer "RTS" series END UP as this piece of shit??? Like for fucking REAL, how???

So yea...i know its just my 5 cents to that but it feels like i had to talk about it.

Another side note as well is that i will, hopefully, get myself a new PC (main tower part) soonish since mine is getting to old again, sadly, for all the stuff im doing on. It will still be a Windows 10 one (since i wanted it that way because fuck it) but a huge upgrade already.

So how do you think about the whole situation as of late? Feel free to leave a comment if you want.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg4CCy2kbuA

As of late people might noticed that there is not just a lack of art from me but also the lack of comments and journals overall.

This is hard to explain overall without getting into a long long wall of text which im sorry already here in the beginning but i think i should begin to split beans now so i have this finally of my chest in all honesty.

I cant anymore...

The last months broke me hard that im just done for. "My world" around me broke so fast that im down on my nervs and everything changed so fast that basically i forgot one thing over the time and yes, i use the word "time" here in the meaning of this:

I forgot how it is if you get old.

2 years ago, watchers might remember, i lost my dad all of a sudden. Up to this day we dont really know why and it wasnt his age (since we are on the topic). Since than, the place here isnt the same anymore. My mom fent basically in deep sorrow in such bad way that shes now not here anymore in our family home but in a care-taker place.

Shes fine, for the state shes in but since shes now in said place, we have to sell our home. you FAMILY home. The home we builded 30 years now and live our lifes there. Which means: I have to move out and with my mental state, deep depression, literal panic-attacks, social fear and all the stuff which also gets on me and my back...yea, you can guess that if i sit down in a corner and just hope that the sun goes down soon and cry for help into a wall which noone hears anyway is basically a mental state i dont wish someone right now.

Next to this, i have now money problems because im basically working now as 2nd class worker because of all the problems i have. In germany, a "2nd class worker" means for the most that people are stupid, retarded, stupid or "handicapped".

Its not that im stupid or said handicapped in the way of "my brain doesnt work" - again, im 2nd class worker now because my life and literal mind is so broken that i need help with it and i dont care to admit that basically my life situation (as of right now) is broken.

Though, comming back to this money problem, this also means i work basically for nearly nothing and have to get money from the sozi (im sure germans know what i mean). Adding that i basically "just began" and that my whole world around me literally collapses with the lost of my family home i lived basically my whole life in, now suddendly have to move out and i have the feeling that my whole family is breaking appart...

...

Yea...i think you can see im in a "pickle" right now, to say it in a short way.

Mental state: compliedly broken. had at least 2 total collapses of my nervs, 3 panic attacks and my depression let me down nearly all day now.

Money: Im glad if i might get some right now. I have to wait and call the guys over at the sozi if they finally got my collapses documents - till, it means i might have barely any money for food right now.

State of family: Basically gone. My half brother which still lives with me in the family home (till its sold) already found a new place to live wile i have to wait for answers for my "application for outpatient living" or how ever you call it...

And even now, i have discord drama as well.

As of late, you might saw it as well, i was a member of a community server were basically the admin went totally nuts and witch hunted me and a friend of mine out of it.

The problem is we have even prove and i try to explain it shorty since im right now again of the vains to just collapse here on my chair:

Basically it was told this, let me copy paste the parts:

1. "He stated on multiple occasions that he was told under 18 accounts could see his stream but didn't care because it was his art. We pulled him aside after this got out of hand due to multiple people stating discomfort and disgust by his actions."

This is a lie for everyone who knew the situation. I did ask the said admin AND the OWNER of the said discord if i could (and should) stream my stuff there - i got their permission AND always did stream, if it was NSFW, in a closed VC so only people which were 18+ could join it. Problem was, if you know how discord works, if you hover over someones name if said person is streaming, you could see a small "preview" picture what they are streaming on discord and this is a problem discord has which i cant work or tackle. After we found out about this problem, the said witchhunting admin talked to me and i agreed to stop streaming "for the greater good" since this small-preview thing is a thing we couldnt change and minors "could" potentionally see stuff they shouldnt. I never got a warning for it now did someone told me something about it - in fact everyone which was watching my streams enjoyed the art AND were there to watch them free-will.

2. "His second strike was issued due to extremely racist comments made in a server VC. It was myself, [Friendsname] W.A and [Some one else] (Who was deafened due to being AFK) We were playing DBD (Dead by day light) in the corn field map and what felt like out of the blue, [FN again] says something along the lines of [SOmething WAY to racist which had something to do with "cotton field" which was actually never said, you will see soon why] W.a proceeded to laugh and agree with this comment taking it to the next level stating that it was [Again, nope, to much racist]."

This is something which i have to clear up since this one was hurting the most. Said witch hunting admin was claiming, basically, that me and a friend of mine were EXTREAMELY racist wile we played a game. This never happend since said "Some one Else" which was there, is someone the admin basically used against us, a mole so to say or, someone which got bribed from said witch hunting admin to work against us. And the biggest problem about all of this is: noone ever said something racist because me and my friend have friends which are either having another sexuality or are "colored".

And said here, just for a state of fact: Can i tell you guys here that i hate the therm "colored"? I mean we are all humans after all, why should i care if a friend of mine is white, black, green or what ever skin color? Like why is this even a thing anyway? I mean i understand "why" but what i mean is i just hate to call people out by there skin color and im sure not racist - i have literally friends which have different skin colors so yea...

Same with my said friend here, he also has friends with other different skin colors and sexualitys which i also have. i mean do i literally have to call out FALY here which is literally Bi and i know her for like over 15 years for sure by now? Just to say that again the admin literally was just trying to pull something on us we cant sadly disprove but here is a thing so you understand:

We might cant disprove that but the said admin was with us already in another vc with more people and i was playing "payday 2". In said game, you can use a "viper grenade" - basically a poisen nate if you wanna call it and im one of the people which likes to enjoy to use said nate. SOME people called me out in the VC like "Of course the german is GASSING the people and even enjoys it..."

Guess what the admin was doing: Jackshit.

So of course, basically, said admin gives me a strike and my friend for something we "might" have said but can not even be prooven but if we all are together in one vc with others, its ok so it seems to use "casual racisim" and the admin does nothing. There you see, how "this admins" logic works. Also just to add something which i also already explained: a wile ago, i didnt even KNOW what the word "cotton field" even means, i literally HAD to LOOK IT UP. SO why should i laugh about something i didnt even understand in the first place~?

Anyway, i live this up for the people if they REALLY believe in this whole story because i have a lot people in the internet which sure know im either racist nor sexist lols.

As for the last strike and this is a great one i already made jokes on MY discord, yes, i have also a discord i will link at the end if you wanna join.

3. "W.As third and final strike was due to him breaking his first strikes agreement, drawing a sexualised image in Jamspace with 5-6 minors present at the time. More than 5 people either sent a dm to staff or voiced discomfort in the chat at the time being extremely upset upon viewing this content. W.A only seemed to get angry with this, raising his voice (This was later cleared up as being another issue) so a strike was issued at the time. W.A only taken the situation further by harassing people in dms and harassing members of staff."

This is already something which i had a talk over on my discord and everyone over there was laughing about it.

For the beginning: Another friend of mine was in a bad mood and we wanted to cheer her up. She opend a "Jamspace" activity on Discord. To explain for people which doesnt know what it is: A Jamspace is basically a big white picture everyone who wanna take part in can draw on so people can basically draw all together random stuff on it and see what comes out at the end - imagen a "paint" where a lot people draw at ones.

what happend was, we did draw in 2 sittings since the pictures got to full. GLADLY for me, the said upset friend S A V E D the pictures which i can show and have literal prooves for:

The said samples:

https://imgur.com/a/6o8ZyVC

So in sitting 2, you can see a bikini picture which was the said "NSFW" one and drawn by me. Here is the thing: Where is this nsfw for you if youre honest? IN Sitting 1, so BEFORE my bikini drawning, someone literally DID draw a dick there which the admin "kindly" ignored so it seems wile my bikini picture was called out to be offensive for minors.

The thing was, we were like around 5-6 people in the sitting and the so called out part from the admin, that i, i quote it again "taken the situation further by harassing people in dms" is also wrong. What i asked was the people in dms if they really found it offensive and guess what: noone really cared BUT the admin and, again, the one said other person which already made problems in my 2. strike before AFTER said person got Dmed from the witch hunting admin (ah yes, if you split the beans you might didnt want to split right~?).

To keeping it short: I got a strike for that because of the bikini - the naked peeing dick was ok. Call out double standards here people~

Oh and for the last part, because i knew i got a strike i tried to defend myself and had even a TALK with the witch hunting admin, WHICH INFACT ADMIT INFRONT OF ME AND OTHER PEOPLE that she has a PERSONAL problem against me (for no reason) and disagreed with my opinion NOMATHER WHAT it is OR HOW right it actually could be, basically ADMITING AS WELL that she wanted me just off of the whole server.

End of the story is basically i got banned from the server as well as my friend which got called out in the 2nd strike here. Its funny still for us that sadly the witch hunting admin also spread the "cool aid" (in other words, she spread the lies around) and some people over at the server we were believes it - sad but true.

Though, some people DID left with our banns because they either knew they were "next", the admin didnt really provided real proovs of our banns OR they just knew that what the admin was telling was literally bullshit.

Never the less, since i basically own now my own discord and people are welcome to come over if they wanna see me streaming my art or play some games with people there. Its not much but people enjoy it there.

my link:

https://discord.gg/YpfkEDCQ (link only works for the next 7 days!!!)

--------

So yea, basically over all right now, i just hope my life works out better soon...i hate that i have only problems of a late, everywhere i go. Work is fine, yea but i feel kinda helpless at times there as well. Family is falling appart, mother in the care taker home, Discord i enjoyed i got banned and the story goes on and on...

I just hope i can take a breath soon and feel better soon. Life just...hits hard right now and im sorry if i just sounded like someone who only complains about it. I just wanted to write down off my shoulders so i feel a bit better about it...