https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaAMaBG-0Y
Hello again everyone.
Im sorry that i basicly didnt wrote a "real" journal the last months next to a shoutout for a friend and a rent about pokemon unite...
The last months were a hard roller coaster for me where my world was basicly in pieces and i had to stand up and on a stable ground again - at least somewhat.
Yes, The lose of my dad was and still is hard for me - mostly coz im a person which tries to find a good, logical reason why hes gone now.
Since in the journals before, i was really not in the mood, time and moment to wrote what "exactly" was going on, i own you guys a small explanation what happend and than you might understand it a bit more since it was all so fast...
My dad was a person which survived a lot of sick- and illnesses, begining with actual, DEADLY shingles to lung cancer to actual his last "bigger" sickness he had: polymeric hypotension ("polymere hypotonie") - or pulmonary hypertension.
My dad survived literally everything up to this point - he even won the fight against his cancer. The hypertension he had was also diagnosed as not deadly and it never was, so it was said. Sure, at home, he felt kinda tired after going up the stairs or simple things but it was never something someone said that he would actually "die" about - even our family doctor said he will come over it and its not deadly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVCgstds7xQ
Around 8 weeks before my dad died, we actually went to our said family doctor since he had some pain in his shoulder and problems to breath. He (the doctor) said it was not deadly, again, and that its just some usual pain with the shoulder since my dad works to much in the basement on his workbench, creating things there. Yes, my dad was a worker on his own. He created things and had a whole room full with workbenches, tools, machines like tablesaws, drilling machines and everything and -tool a hobbyworker can literally dream off. It was always his thing to create stuff like tables, for our or other peoples homes, shelves, chairs and way bigger stuff - hell our whole kitches is created around his work. And to go really further without lying: The whole house we are living in, every stone, every plant, every little grain of sand were touched and placed here by the hands of my dad.
Sure this sounds maybe a bit "implausible" but its true. As i was little, we lived in a small apartment but since we all grown bigger and bigger, my dad was building a own house for our family. The ground our house was standing on was basicly nothing but a big hole in the ground which he filled with dirt. He did always his best till the very end. Always.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kNk7-azr6E
3 weeks before my dad died, he had actual bigger and stronger pain "around" his heart area so he said. Said that, he called for the ambulance to get him into the hospital. There, he was his last 3 weeks, sadly.
Still, even there it was always said to us it was NOT deadly. He will come home and even he was full off hope that he will come back home. We always talked viva phone with him and it was always nice to hear him how much hope he had in the work of the doctors, the hospital and its nurses...but it should be...
They gave him some medicin, pills, which, so he said and so it seem, "backfired" and attacked/infected his kidneys - the medicin was to strong for his body so it seem. So they tried another way with some softer, liquid medicine which didnt helped him heal the attacked kidneys nor did it help a lot to get the water in his lungs out (look for the said "pulmonary hypertension").
Still he was full of hope till the end. In his "diary" (my dad KINDA had one) he had left at home, his last words before he went into the hospital, he wrote even there down that "Ich hoffe alles kommt wieder ins Lot" - which in englisch would say something like "I hope everything will be OK again"...
He even went so far and, so as we learned later, wrote something like a diary in the time he was in hospital...
Every second day there, he wrote i wanted to be home.
he wanted to be home with his family again...with his wife...his dog...his family...
He wanted to go fishing again and work on his workbench, finish several projects he couldnt finish...
He never thought about to "die" or that something like "dieing" was even an opinion since he was full of hope and even the doctors never gave up on him till the very end...
It...was really hard reading that all after he past away, trust me.
And even in his last days, he was creative and began to draw again and you can see, by his simple art he often used - mostly doodles - around his last days what he was feeling.
We found a last picture on the papers in the hospital which...was clearly saying what he wanted if youre good with art and can read "between the lines".
He called the piece "on the window" ("am fenster"). I scanned it so you can see it as well...
https://www.dropbox.com/s/suno0xx6aml1bd2/father-atthewindow-SCAN12-06-2021-Small.png?dl=0
He always wanted to be back at home...
As hard was the sudden call we got from the hospital in the morning that, if we wanted to see our dad one last time alive we should come now for the best...
My mother, my brother and me, we were in shock since, again, it was NEVER said he was "THAT" sick - it was always said it was not deadly. So in said shock, we get quickly dressed and called our other family members, told them whats happening and drove to the hospital...
There was our dad...laying in his hospital bed, carefree smiling and happy seeing us again for his last time, all together in his hospital room...
It was very early in the morning and he didnt spoke a lot, he was..."sleeping"...more or less. From time to time, a nurse came and took care of him - and us. Some hours later, the doctor which looked after him came into the room an basicly told us that this is his last walk...
We call cried and some of us, including me..., were not strong enough to keep watching how hes slowly going in this state to the other side...
Some of us actually had a breakdown on the floor of the hospital and our uncle drove some of us back home to relax and come down.
My mother and smaller brother, stood by my dad...
I was at home and was PRAYING in tease that my dad would come back home another day. That all would be "good" again...but than..shortly after 8 PM (my timezone), i got a phone call from my smaller brother which stood with my mother at the hospital...
He told me that exactly to the strike of the bell at 8 PM, our father found the way to the other side...
He always wanted to be back at home...
As hard was the sudden call we got from the hospital in the morning that, if we wanted to see our dad one last time alive we should come now for the best...
My mother, my brother and me, we were in shock since, again, it was NEVER said he was "THAT" sick - it was always said it was not deadly. So in said shock, we get quickly dressed and called our other family members, told them whats happening and drove to the hospital...
There was our dad...laying in his hospital bed, carefree smiling and happy seeing us again for his last time, all together in his hospital room...
It was very early in the morning and he didnt spoke a lot, he was..."sleeping"...more or less. From time to time, a nurse came and took care of him - and us. Some hours later, the doctor which looked after him came into the room an basicly told us that this is his last walk...
We call cried and some of us, including me..., were not strong enough to keep watching how hes slowly going in this state to the other side...
Some of us actually had a breakdown on the floor of the hospital and our uncle drove some of us back home to relax and come down.
My mother and smaller brother, stood by my dad...
I was at home and was PRAYING in tease that my dad would come back home another day. That all would be "good" again...but than..shortly after 8 PM (my timezone), i got a phone call from my smaller brother which stood with my mother at the hospital...
He told me that exactly to the strike of the bell at 8 PM, our father found the way to the other side...
It was...a hard time...and after that...i really cant explain it. It was to deep of a shock...not just for me but for all...as would god have called him to the other side exactly as the bell striked 8 PM...
The days after his death were sad and still are. As i said, "our" little world is shatterd and we still try to get up from what happend but we still look where our dad is and some of us search for a reason like i still do.
I try, day by day, to tell myself im a strong person and that i have to stay strong...
My dad said to me with his last words to me:
"Walter, youre my boy. Youre now the big man in the house. Please promise me, look for me after your mother and our family...ok? Please, stay strong for me ok?"
...He said that as would it be nothing...He said that with a god dang nice smile in my face wile i was in freaking tease...
Since that, i try, TRY to stay strong...
...but i cant...i simply cant...
I really try, day by day, to help everyone i can and look after my mother, helping her with the homework and shop in the stores...
But sometimes i have to get into my room, alone, listen to the musics i listed up here in this journal and cry...
Im not a strong person and i doubt i will ever be, i try from the outside but from the inside, i cant...
The songs i listed up in this journal were the ones we also used for his funeral - some english and some in german. They were fitting for the most part since we kept the funeral very "normal" since my dad wasnt a fan from formal things. He was a friend from the nature and similar so we all were there as we were. Of course, in black but not in "tie and collar" as we say here in germany.
It was a small but nice funeral and he has a nice place at our graveyard, maybe 10 minutes away from here with the car so we can always look for him.
Some days ago, he finally got his gravestrone from the stonemason so he finally found his peace there...
Im sorry that this journal went that long but first and formost, it felt good writting that down and secondly, i kinda think i own it to all you people and the people which actually donated for his funeral.
Yes, again, thanks to everyone who spread the word and donated some money. With your help, i got around 600 Euros which helped us paying at least the smaller things which came up. Thank you all very very much for your help.
As for now, i try to relax and as you can see, i already drawn some nice things or create games. I still cant get over the lose and i will sure have to work on it for a long time...
I still think writting or talking about it helped me here a lot. Thank you all again for reading and all the help. I will see what the near future brings up and im sure, my dad would also give me the push i need to look forward...