https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg4CCy2kbuA
As of late people might noticed that there is not just a lack of art from me but also the lack of comments and journals overall.
This is hard to explain overall without getting into a long long wall of text which im sorry already here in the beginning but i think i should begin to split beans now so i have this finally of my chest in all honesty.
I cant anymore...
The last months broke me hard that im just done for. "My world" around me broke so fast that im down on my nervs and everything changed so fast that basically i forgot one thing over the time and yes, i use the word "time" here in the meaning of this:
I forgot how it is if you get old.
2 years ago, watchers might remember, i lost my dad all of a sudden. Up to this day we dont really know why and it wasnt his age (since we are on the topic). Since than, the place here isnt the same anymore. My mom fent basically in deep sorrow in such bad way that shes now not here anymore in our family home but in a care-taker place.
Shes fine, for the state shes in but since shes now in said place, we have to sell our home. you FAMILY home. The home we builded 30 years now and live our lifes there. Which means: I have to move out and with my mental state, deep depression, literal panic-attacks, social fear and all the stuff which also gets on me and my back...yea, you can guess that if i sit down in a corner and just hope that the sun goes down soon and cry for help into a wall which noone hears anyway is basically a mental state i dont wish someone right now.
Next to this, i have now money problems because im basically working now as 2nd class worker because of all the problems i have. In germany, a "2nd class worker" means for the most that people are stupid, retarded, stupid or "handicapped".
Its not that im stupid or said handicapped in the way of "my brain doesnt work" - again, im 2nd class worker now because my life and literal mind is so broken that i need help with it and i dont care to admit that basically my life situation (as of right now) is broken.
Though, comming back to this money problem, this also means i work basically for nearly nothing and have to get money from the sozi (im sure germans know what i mean). Adding that i basically "just began" and that my whole world around me literally collapses with the lost of my family home i lived basically my whole life in, now suddendly have to move out and i have the feeling that my whole family is breaking appart...
...
Yea...i think you can see im in a "pickle" right now, to say it in a short way.
Mental state: compliedly broken. had at least 2 total collapses of my nervs, 3 panic attacks and my depression let me down nearly all day now.
Money: Im glad if i might get some right now. I have to wait and call the guys over at the sozi if they finally got my collapses documents - till, it means i might have barely any money for food right now.
State of family: Basically gone. My half brother which still lives with me in the family home (till its sold) already found a new place to live wile i have to wait for answers for my "application for outpatient living" or how ever you call it...
And even now, i have discord drama as well.
As of late, you might saw it as well, i was a member of a community server were basically the admin went totally nuts and witch hunted me and a friend of mine out of it.
The problem is we have even prove and i try to explain it shorty since im right now again of the vains to just collapse here on my chair:
Basically it was told this, let me copy paste the parts:
1. "He stated on multiple occasions that he was told under 18 accounts could see his stream but didn't care because it was his art. We pulled him aside after this got out of hand due to multiple people stating discomfort and disgust by his actions."
This is a lie for everyone who knew the situation. I did ask the said admin AND the OWNER of the said discord if i could (and should) stream my stuff there - i got their permission AND always did stream, if it was NSFW, in a closed VC so only people which were 18+ could join it. Problem was, if you know how discord works, if you hover over someones name if said person is streaming, you could see a small "preview" picture what they are streaming on discord and this is a problem discord has which i cant work or tackle. After we found out about this problem, the said witchhunting admin talked to me and i agreed to stop streaming "for the greater good" since this small-preview thing is a thing we couldnt change and minors "could" potentionally see stuff they shouldnt. I never got a warning for it now did someone told me something about it - in fact everyone which was watching my streams enjoyed the art AND were there to watch them free-will.
2. "His second strike was issued due to extremely racist comments made in a server VC. It was myself, [Friendsname] W.A and [Some one else] (Who was deafened due to being AFK) We were playing DBD (Dead by day light) in the corn field map and what felt like out of the blue, [FN again] says something along the lines of [SOmething WAY to racist which had something to do with "cotton field" which was actually never said, you will see soon why] W.a proceeded to laugh and agree with this comment taking it to the next level stating that it was [Again, nope, to much racist]."
This is something which i have to clear up since this one was hurting the most. Said witch hunting admin was claiming, basically, that me and a friend of mine were EXTREAMELY racist wile we played a game. This never happend since said "Some one Else" which was there, is someone the admin basically used against us, a mole so to say or, someone which got bribed from said witch hunting admin to work against us. And the biggest problem about all of this is: noone ever said something racist because me and my friend have friends which are either having another sexuality or are "colored".
And said here, just for a state of fact: Can i tell you guys here that i hate the therm "colored"? I mean we are all humans after all, why should i care if a friend of mine is white, black, green or what ever skin color? Like why is this even a thing anyway? I mean i understand "why" but what i mean is i just hate to call people out by there skin color and im sure not racist - i have literally friends which have different skin colors so yea...
Same with my said friend here, he also has friends with other different skin colors and sexualitys which i also have. i mean do i literally have to call out FALY here which is literally Bi and i know her for like over 15 years for sure by now? Just to say that again the admin literally was just trying to pull something on us we cant sadly disprove but here is a thing so you understand:
We might cant disprove that but the said admin was with us already in another vc with more people and i was playing "payday 2". In said game, you can use a "viper grenade" - basically a poisen nate if you wanna call it and im one of the people which likes to enjoy to use said nate. SOME people called me out in the VC like "Of course the german is GASSING the people and even enjoys it..."
Guess what the admin was doing: Jackshit.
So of course, basically, said admin gives me a strike and my friend for something we "might" have said but can not even be prooven but if we all are together in one vc with others, its ok so it seems to use "casual racisim" and the admin does nothing. There you see, how "this admins" logic works. Also just to add something which i also already explained: a wile ago, i didnt even KNOW what the word "cotton field" even means, i literally HAD to LOOK IT UP. SO why should i laugh about something i didnt even understand in the first place~?
Anyway, i live this up for the people if they REALLY believe in this whole story because i have a lot people in the internet which sure know im either racist nor sexist lols.
As for the last strike and this is a great one i already made jokes on MY discord, yes, i have also a discord i will link at the end if you wanna join.
3. "W.As third and final strike was due to him breaking his first strikes agreement, drawing a sexualised image in Jamspace with 5-6 minors present at the time. More than 5 people either sent a dm to staff or voiced discomfort in the chat at the time being extremely upset upon viewing this content. W.A only seemed to get angry with this, raising his voice (This was later cleared up as being another issue) so a strike was issued at the time. W.A only taken the situation further by harassing people in dms and harassing members of staff."
This is already something which i had a talk over on my discord and everyone over there was laughing about it.
For the beginning: Another friend of mine was in a bad mood and we wanted to cheer her up. She opend a "Jamspace" activity on Discord. To explain for people which doesnt know what it is: A Jamspace is basically a big white picture everyone who wanna take part in can draw on so people can basically draw all together random stuff on it and see what comes out at the end - imagen a "paint" where a lot people draw at ones.
what happend was, we did draw in 2 sittings since the pictures got to full. GLADLY for me, the said upset friend S A V E D the pictures which i can show and have literal prooves for:
The said samples:
So in sitting 2, you can see a bikini picture which was the said "NSFW" one and drawn by me. Here is the thing: Where is this nsfw for you if youre honest? IN Sitting 1, so BEFORE my bikini drawning, someone literally DID draw a dick there which the admin "kindly" ignored so it seems wile my bikini picture was called out to be offensive for minors.
The thing was, we were like around 5-6 people in the sitting and the so called out part from the admin, that i, i quote it again "taken the situation further by harassing people in dms" is also wrong. What i asked was the people in dms if they really found it offensive and guess what: noone really cared BUT the admin and, again, the one said other person which already made problems in my 2. strike before AFTER said person got Dmed from the witch hunting admin (ah yes, if you split the beans you might didnt want to split right~?).
To keeping it short: I got a strike for that because of the bikini - the naked peeing dick was ok. Call out double standards here people~
Oh and for the last part, because i knew i got a strike i tried to defend myself and had even a TALK with the witch hunting admin, WHICH INFACT ADMIT INFRONT OF ME AND OTHER PEOPLE that she has a PERSONAL problem against me (for no reason) and disagreed with my opinion NOMATHER WHAT it is OR HOW right it actually could be, basically ADMITING AS WELL that she wanted me just off of the whole server.
End of the story is basically i got banned from the server as well as my friend which got called out in the 2nd strike here. Its funny still for us that sadly the witch hunting admin also spread the "cool aid" (in other words, she spread the lies around) and some people over at the server we were believes it - sad but true.
Though, some people DID left with our banns because they either knew they were "next", the admin didnt really provided real proovs of our banns OR they just knew that what the admin was telling was literally bullshit.
Never the less, since i basically own now my own discord and people are welcome to come over if they wanna see me streaming my art or play some games with people there. Its not much but people enjoy it there.
my link:
https://discord.gg/YpfkEDCQ (link only works for the next 7 days!!!)
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So yea, basically over all right now, i just hope my life works out better soon...i hate that i have only problems of a late, everywhere i go. Work is fine, yea but i feel kinda helpless at times there as well. Family is falling appart, mother in the care taker home, Discord i enjoyed i got banned and the story goes on and on...
I just hope i can take a breath soon and feel better soon. Life just...hits hard right now and im sorry if i just sounded like someone who only complains about it. I just wanted to write down off my shoulders so i feel a bit better about it...