https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHxQ4Nk9tpo

This will be a longer journal since its being a longer wile that i did literally anything in the internet or, mostly, on my art pages and similar. Please take your time to read it.

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Its being a wile i did post something about me or "art" or similar, well, stuff from me and i basically just "vanished" for over a month with no real word from me.

To say it that way, i hope by now that a lot people know that i suffer through depression. Im not just "in a bad mood", it hitted me very very V E R Y hard this time of the year. In fact, I'm diagnosed with "derpession, passiv suicide". But i wanna fall back in time a bit when this stuff all started which would be the death of my father 2 years ago but i think this has something todo with this years easters case, the moment my mother HAD to go to a care-taker home.

Basically i grew up in a big family, grew up in my family home. A kinda big one with basement, first and second floor. With my mother going to said care-taker home, the family broke appart, literally.

They left the family home, abandoned it basically, and left also their stuff behind they dont need to take with them. In short: the house looks from the inside AND outside like a mess.

And the only one left "here" is me right now.

Im still here in said home because i tried to repair it, keep it "alive" so to speak. But this was all only more or less a wish-dream from me and i saw that through my own hand my "world" slowly slips away, piece by piece...

I felt into depression because of all of this, with no help, noone to understand and not-"really" someone who could understand me for the longest time. I couldnt really find any sleep because of the mail i could get which wants something from my mom she couldnt pay, i couldnt really eat since i was worried of something might goes down hill, all that stories and things. I was worried about ANYTHING.

And last month i reached my limit. I know i couldnt do this and i have to "let go". I was in shock as well because we couldnt really pay the care-taker home my mother IS in so, at the end, we HAVE to sell said family home for it.

This of course brings emotions - and mostly for me: Panic. I was literally fallin into some kind of panic mode. i couldnt think straight, i couldnt sit straight - even on my working place i couldnt do jack shit. They knew i dont have the "nervs" right now for work and so i had a talk. A talk which helped me out.

Now, im moving out soon (18 december) to my "own care-taker place" but more something like a "rehabilitation" home. I can live in there like i normally did before but with help on my side. They try to work with me on my situation and on my depression and motivation.

Keeping it short, my whole mutivation went down hill. i didnt draw, i didnt work on anything which "could" relax me over the last time i posted (which was BEFORE Halloween). 18 December, im also moving out to said new place which means im getting my stuff together to move out soon.

I only hope, that i will feel better soon and that i might can do/draw something soon again as well, if im more relaxed and feel better for it...

So, now you know.