Ok small story here.

Newgrounds is, from all my accounts i "Mainly use", pretty much the newest. My fav numbers are not big, i get nearly no comments and the vote system here on new grounds rages me up like hell if your picture ends up with "it needs 2 more votes to see the fuqing star rating" anyway - no im srsly here, if you enjoy my art please vote for them X´D

With that said, there is ONE picture, ONE, which pretty much just BOOMS out of my complied art section. Said picture is this:

It lately got over 1000 clicks. As for some, its not much but as for me, its a bit for sure and...i really duno why.

I dont understand why. I mean all my other pictures got maybe around 50-300 clicks and maybe 2-5 faves, if ever. But this? I get it that its a fanart and people like fanarts but if you think about that, that i "Mainly" draw furries, Lemmings or Spy Vs Spy characters, from ALL stuff i drawn its this picture which (if you readed the discription below it) is actually a picture i didnt want to draw in the first place...its not even that good too if im honest since im not good with humans...i guess?

So i duno what to say or think about it, do people really enjoy my "human" stuff more HERE on newgrounds or is it just that barely people drawn any "cute and not oversexualised" Terraria Zoologist-naughty pictures?

Im serious, im confused af...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_-J4xgRm_o

ever have one of those days where you wanna go postal instead?

Anyway, happy birthday my fucking self i guess.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MKAf6YX_7M

Well its November boys n girls...

What are my plans for this month?

Well...to be honest...

I duno.

I mean last month was pretty smooth running. i got a lot art ideas for cosplays n stuff and had kinda a lot fun. As for THIS month...well what can i say...

I really have not many ideas for it, next to that maybe my birthday is this month (6 november~) and that there will be a picture from the bad luck kitty. ELSE im really not sure next to SOME things i just wanna ask if people are intressted.

FIRST would be if people would actually enjoy another "Special Calendar" from Faly. She asked me about feedback and if people enjoy it. She really would like to do another one (SFW will be free, other versions will be again donations) if people are intressted again. So please leave a comment if you would enjoy another one. She also would like to know if it should be a calendar "just from her" or also some of her other avatars like Krystal and co.

ANOTHER thing is my work on Daredevil 2 is right now on hold. As i pretty much was saying last time as i talked about it (and the video), i pretty much need someone who would help me with the boss sprites. Im not good with such "good" and "huge" sprites tbh and this is literally the only thing which is the roadblock here to "finally" finish the game. So if you would like to help me or you might KNOW someone who would, sure note me. ^^

Thats all i have in mind SO far at least...If you have any ideas, artwise, gaming wise or what ever, or you just wanna talk, leave a comment ^^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EtaqLEY7p4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFwGXMprdT4

Hope everyone has a good halloween "somewhat" at least. I know, times are hard nowadays coz of the corona stuff and other stuff like politics and other shit. Still, i hope we all can enjoy the time at least a little bit. Stay healthy guys. Stay save but still enjoy the time with the people around you as long as you can. You NEVER know when they are suddendly gone....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrgqZE3J1MA

Srs to say here that, for real, i think, as for me at least, September was so far the most "fucked up" month of the year. Let me count up some samples why:

- Yes, We (Faly and I) made a new Furiotic this month but i had no really fun doing it. The video itself isnt bad becourse you guys cant literally see all the background work but pretty much exactly THOSE were more a "meh, however" for me.

- I just drawn 5 pictures wile you pretty much cant count the one picture anyway (i come back to it in a sec). I got a hard artblock, got no ideas what i could draw OVER the said month and litereally was unmotivated all the time.

- As i finally "got" ideas to do something, i worked on my next game, Daredevil 2, which now hitted a ROADBLOCK coz i need help with Boss sprites. I literally cant finish the game becourse of this, leaving it "on hold" right now which just bugs me like hell coz literally EVERYTHING ELSE i would have left to work on is maybe 2-3 days of work.

- A good friend of mine died of an covid-19 infection. Alone this sucks a lot and made me feel down for the last days (also thats one art for her i have drawn for her, comign back to the said picture you cant count for the normal count).

- Adding some salt "now", a game i enjoyed played over the month got a update today and it seems like it fucked up the launcher. I tried to fix it with some "fix" a guy in the steam forum gave around which literally broke the game for me, so it seems, so that i have to reinstall it right now, downloading about 70 GB, AGAIN, with my slow ass internet of 7mbits/sec. God this feels juuuuust great... (and before someone says or makes a stupid joke about my slow ass internet: 1. we CANT get any faster internet around here 2. it was said YEARS ago already that they will "fix the internet situation" around here and they didnt. so yea, dont blame shits on me for this fuck)

I mean as for October, i gladly got some ideas for art coz most of them will sure be Cosplays for halloween which makes it easier for me to draw coz i have a "theme" to work with. I dont say which ideas but i would say, as so far, some are as the usual like Enderwoman (i hope) and a Spy Vs Spy cosplay picture.

As for my said game, well...yea. As i said, its right now "on hold" coz i need boss sprites. It would be nice if someone would help me out there so i can finish the work on the game. ELSE i cant name a release date or stuff like.

As for anything else, well, i just hope im alright over the next days. i dont feel super good tbh and over all, the situation is kinda meh. Just hoping for the better, i guess...

This journal is more for the "game designer" people out there.

So ok. since some days, im activly working on my next game and pretty much created nearly everything "important" for my next game i work on.

But than i slamed into a wall...

The problem is, I like creating things and sure have ideas and stuff - if you look on FA, i wrote down a journal with the list of ideas i had for the game and pretty much worked on the game so far, point for point and still see what i need to work on before i can work on something else in a row.

And here is the problem:

Basicly, the "base" of the game is pretty much done. I made the title screen look nice, got the music so for right in place, the gameplay is working great and enemys n objects respont the way they should.

The stuff as for my game which is missing are as followed:

- The said "Shop" system which will be another day of work for me.

- IF the shop system works, a working "savefile" which links all progress together - but as for that the shop HAS to be done first of course.

- Actual Bosses...

And thats there i kinda hang in the ropes: Bosses.

Im not well with designing bosses and never was a guy who was like "and now we design super pixel art for a boss" or like. I like it simple and so far all my games had not such "intense" moment which would go on or lead to a actual "highlight" like a boss.

I have no idea what i should create as boss nor how they could look or work.

As for "HOW BIG" they could be, size wise at least i can say a boss should have the max pixel size of 128 x 160, at least. But again, i have no idea how i should make one now have the "skills" to make a boss look...well..."BOSS LIKE". I was never good with pixel art and since it would be even ONE color (yellow), it makes it even a bit harder for me.

So maybe there is some game designer out there which can share an advice about that or maybe even someone who could help me out (after we talked about what ideas i have or show them some screens from the WIP i made so far or like).

I mean, everything else left like the said shop and creating a file seems to be easy for me even if it is really complex work but thats something which seems to be easier for me than actually creating a boss or boss sprite even. So its hard to say when the next game of me will be done if i dont get ideas for this "boss problem" soon...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bc7Lt2ppxFY

As you might could have guessed in my latest, "real journal", which is already a bit older (im talking about this one: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9594112/ ), my mood in the last days, weeks, months went pretty muchon a downhill drive. like....a hard one.

We already have past half september and if you look on "how much" i have done, its kinda nothing compared to maybe other months.

Artwise, its kinda dead. I have some ideas, yes, but i dont know how or why i even should draw them. I have even here a picture i work "RIGHT NOW" on it JUST to "finally finish it" but if im REALLY in the mood is another story, really.

I dont wanna "force" myself to draw coz forced art ends up bad anyway and makes it look worse than it should or could be. I really might have to take a HARD BREAK from my art till i feel better somewhat somehow.

But than its not only artwise. My mood right now is really like in the basement. I wanted to create a game as for the one sample - made a trailer and nothing else.

I mean, i even collected IDEAS and posted them in a journal but im really like "meh, why should i even try" right now.

Srsly, right now, all i mostly do is i play some games on steam, IF i even have the mood right now, and thats it. I dont feel in the mood for drawing, playing, creating games, ANYTHING right now.

So yea, i might sound odd if i say it here but

i might really have to take a hard break just for my own good from literally anything im doing somehow somewhat.

Sure, now you can say "oh but you created a furiotic movie this month!" (for people on Newgrounds: I didnt posted it there so you have to go there to see what im talking about and have an account there coz its in the ADULT settings: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38238354/ )

Well yea....But even Faly noticed that something was "off" with me. Normaly, wile we do "those", we had fun (NOT in the obvious way you might think.) and made jokes WILE we record those or even fool around sometimes (trust me, if we ever would create a "behind the screen" video, it would be longer than the normal video).

But this time?

I was more like "ok lets get it over with" for the most part. Sure i had some fun working on it but it was like a "meh, what ever" mood for me.

So yea...i dont if someone is willing to help me somehow or has an idea how i could change the situation (if you keep the said other journal maybe in mind) but i feel like right now im some how very unmotivated. I dont think its not even like im "lazy", i really WANT to work on the game as one sample - its just like why should i even go for it, you know?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPToX5OHrPM

Ok im being honest here. I often try to avoid themes like politics or stuff like "those" coz everyone might has a different opinion about it. You mostly cant change said opinion and it ends up in a duel of fates and a lot internet drama and fights noone WANTS nor needs.

But here, today, i have to say and ask myself and you guys, stupidity seems like to come with the masses, right?

Im srs here, and i try to keep it short but...

Here in germany, people go out on the street and demonstrate AGAINST the "so hard covid-19 poltics" here. They go out on the streets of berlin and demonstrate in MASSES with either some or no masks on, not taking care about the people around them or even the CHILDREN.

SOME of those even say that said pandemic "doesnt happen" and "that its just a joke" or "they dont care".

So....said people which HAD the virus died coz of this joke? Is that this peoples logic?

I mean i dont wanna overreact here but if i hear people like this going on and demonstrate i really wish myself sometimes that i had a sniper rifle. Im srs here to say that i sure understand frustration - to a limit at least - but this is outright stupid. Srs here guys, dont be "those people" which think this virus is a "joke". Stay save, stay at home and dont even risk it or like. Im glad to say so far none of my family members got said virus but i sadly know some other people and friends which had members infected - some even died. So i think it would be stupid here to say, again, that they died coz of a "joke".

Covid-19 is -NOT- a joke.

Stay save everyone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeriY2vYdzw

Maybe "SOMEONE" will notice that since a smaller wile ago i actually didnt draw anything. This has nothing to do with im working on stuff somewhere else or that i have an artblock - its more ...."worse".

Since some days i have an artistical "breakdown".

In other words, i doubt that it is worth drawing or keeping up the way i DO draw my stuff becourse of the lack of feedback and input im getting.

Let me explain:

First and formost, im not talking about fav numbers or viewer numbers. Im talking about INPUT. FEEDBACK, you know? To put the cards more "virsual" on the table:

If i draw my own characters and people which like them tell me its good thats nice but the viewer numbers are kinda low - so the fav numbers (again i dont talk about those but, keep them in mind for that moment). To maybe change that, i could work on my style so i thought or change "here and there" something maybe but over ALL the years of drawing, i dont know anymore

BECOURSE

As soon as i draw a simple picture of ANY known character in this fandom, all known logic for me is thrown out of the window becourse suddendly people like my style and artwork and all numbers rise.

This is my problem.

I dont know what i should do anymore nor if its worth doing what i AM doing.

My "style" cant be wrong if people enjoy it if i draw known characters.

My "characters" cant also be wrong becourse people also enjoy them.

And thats my problem. If i would see something like "this is missing somewhat" or somewhere a HOLE which i could fix, i sure would do it but right now, im not even sure anymore if i go privat and say fuq it i go and draw just for myself from now on - coz of the lack of feedback people are giving me.

Look,

Im not someone who enjoys to play god or change characters "all of a sudden". If you would look at my characters now and back in maybe 5 years, you will notice that the changes are very miror. Maybe i left W.A.s & Falys earrings by side or changed the "fluffyness" of their fur a bit, hairstyle, srsly more or less just smaller changes over the year. I thought it would be good to do so but again, i duno if that IS fine or not - this is of course just a sample but still.

Same with other things: I created at the end of last month a small video about the next project i wanted to work on - guess what, i created said video and stoped working on it coz im unsure about coz of the lack of feedback im getting. I have a LOT plans for the game, like really, i made a whole list - but since i got no good feedback about the stuff i did in the past or what people WOULD enjoy, i doubt its worth working on. I DONT say here i lay it on ice but i just dont really feel like working on it if im honest here - for who? just for me? I dont need to create a game "just" for me.

And thats the same with my art. I sure do it as hobby and i began with it as it is my hobby and my art i do it for me - and i still do - but it feels more and more like that i dont see really a good reason to see what i can do or change or what ever with never any good feed back over 15 YEARS of drawing.

Again, i dont complain about "i wanna get fame, i wanna get this, i wanna get that", what i just want is a honest opinion how people see or enjoy my stuff. "critique" if you wanna call it that way. feedback. I mean if i get no comments or just comments with "this is nice" or "hot" or what ever short-not-helpful-comment it doesnt help me nor other artists in the practical way.

Yes it is nice if you leave such comments but it doesnt give me feedback. is something wrong with my art? what do you wanna see? is the art wrong? is the character wrong? STUFF like that mate.

And...to be VERY honest here...

In the last days...i really thought about to finally throw the towel guys...

Ok tbh i duno WHY but it got deleted for me unknown reason. I readed the rules after the note i got but i didnt find anything WHICH was "against the rules" by uploading said picture - by sides, i already uploaded other, SIMILAR pictures but those are still online.

Never the less if you want to still download or check said collection out, go on one of my other accounts you can find here:

https://watheanum.carrd.co/

I dont waste my time to upload it again and might get a temp. bann for it for literally no reason at my end.

TBH, i think someone just reported it and was mad about or what ever. I dont rage myself up about it BUT its still a shame it got deleted with no really words said "WHY" and only a link to the guidelines of NG. I mean i can also bitchlap someone and say "JO READ THE RULES AND THAN YOU KNOW WHY" and the one doesnt even see a real reason IN this rules.

So yea, annnyyyyywaaaaaaays, if you wanna get it, i hope you have an account on the other pages coz its A-rated there as well and you can only get it/see it if you get an (free) account on one of the other pages there.

GRZ