Merry Xmas everyone and a happy new year~

err...okey NG. It seems like after the whole "upload change", im not scouted anymore? I duno the reason but, ok than. *shrug*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHxQ4Nk9tpo

This will be a longer journal since its being a longer wile that i did literally anything in the internet or, mostly, on my art pages and similar. Please take your time to read it.

----------

Its being a wile i did post something about me or "art" or similar, well, stuff from me and i basically just "vanished" for over a month with no real word from me.

To say it that way, i hope by now that a lot people know that i suffer through depression. Im not just "in a bad mood", it hitted me very very V E R Y hard this time of the year. In fact, I'm diagnosed with "derpession, passiv suicide". But i wanna fall back in time a bit when this stuff all started which would be the death of my father 2 years ago but i think this has something todo with this years easters case, the moment my mother HAD to go to a care-taker home.

Basically i grew up in a big family, grew up in my family home. A kinda big one with basement, first and second floor. With my mother going to said care-taker home, the family broke appart, literally.

They left the family home, abandoned it basically, and left also their stuff behind they dont need to take with them. In short: the house looks from the inside AND outside like a mess.

And the only one left "here" is me right now.

Im still here in said home because i tried to repair it, keep it "alive" so to speak. But this was all only more or less a wish-dream from me and i saw that through my own hand my "world" slowly slips away, piece by piece...

I felt into depression because of all of this, with no help, noone to understand and not-"really" someone who could understand me for the longest time. I couldnt really find any sleep because of the mail i could get which wants something from my mom she couldnt pay, i couldnt really eat since i was worried of something might goes down hill, all that stories and things. I was worried about ANYTHING.

And last month i reached my limit. I know i couldnt do this and i have to "let go". I was in shock as well because we couldnt really pay the care-taker home my mother IS in so, at the end, we HAVE to sell said family home for it.

This of course brings emotions - and mostly for me: Panic. I was literally fallin into some kind of panic mode. i couldnt think straight, i couldnt sit straight - even on my working place i couldnt do jack shit. They knew i dont have the "nervs" right now for work and so i had a talk. A talk which helped me out.

Now, im moving out soon (18 december) to my "own care-taker place" but more something like a "rehabilitation" home. I can live in there like i normally did before but with help on my side. They try to work with me on my situation and on my depression and motivation.

Keeping it short, my whole mutivation went down hill. i didnt draw, i didnt work on anything which "could" relax me over the last time i posted (which was BEFORE Halloween). 18 December, im also moving out to said new place which means im getting my stuff together to move out soon.

I only hope, that i will feel better soon and that i might can do/draw something soon again as well, if im more relaxed and feel better for it...

So, now you know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0DDY299Ly4

I guess...

So first of all because people asked as well, i open my doors again for my DISCORD server.

So if you wanna join a small community which draws, enjoys games and has sometimes even weekly events for fun stuff, come over ^^

https://discord.gg/U6995dtT

And as or the second call, i hope everyone has an already great halloween time :D So yea ^^ have a good one and/or join my discord if you wanna. Again, we play games there and draw n stream and stuff X3

being honest here that the last weeks were not as good as i thought and that rl around me brings me into situations that i literally HAVE to change (at least rl wise) i thought about my art and that its halloween time.

With that in mind i do have "some" ideas for cosplays for this year but not a lot or at least not the "number" i need. Since i mostly go with video game characters - fondly more the ones i know or remember at least - im running low on "good" ideas.

So if you have some cosplay ideas for female characters, let me know. maybe you have some which might fit my characters better than the ones i had in mind.

But yea, i will start soon with said cosplays and put the bikini series in a "on hold" thing. duno if i even say "wouldnt it be to late to draw bikinis in NOVEMBER?" so yea, halloween first i guess hehehe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kewTJZKXffE

You know, sometimes you wonder...

You wonder what is different between the doing of "you" and "others" or why "this" is different or why its not "making click" with you.

To explain a bit further what i mean is, a lot people know, if they watch me or follow me, that i try my own things and artistic design or create my own music, games or what ever i basically i do.

Before i sound maybe rude and unthankful, im not. im glad for every watcher and follower of mine and even more happy for every HONEST review or critic because it seems like i "might" do have a lot watchers on some pages like DA or FA but "silent watchers" as i call them are maybe nice to have but are sadly nothing more than a number. Most of them, if im really honest here, do not watch me for my art or creations, they do because i did draw ones maybe some original character (you know who if i just say the color blue...) in a seductive pose or similar - and yea, im not mad to say such watchers suck the most because lets face the fact that they dont watch me for my art or stuff im doing, they "thought" they watch some artist which might creates some honker-pictures from some known furry lady which literally got raped already at least 5 times by the rest of the furry fandom anyways.

*ahem*

I know i went far off track but what i mean is, the ones which -are- my more active watcher are the ones i really honor the most and not someone which literally says nothing or watches me for, well, "said stuff".

To the topic, as of late i also was looking around because i basically suffer a bit of artblock "kinda". i mean i have a theme but no idea what to draw or better, "how" to draw it.

So i was like "lets look around what other artists do. maybe i can get an idea or similar". Im sure people know what i mean.

...And...can i say...am i so out of touch? I SERIOUSLY feel like that im something of an outdated "artist" which tries to hold on idials noone cares about anymore and similar stuff.

I mean, did you guys look around "what" such called "artists" nowadays do, draw, create and use? Is there even somehow SOMEWHAT of honor somewhere behind those peoples monitors?

Again, by now im sure people know what grinds my gears but holy fuck do i have to count up some shit...

-----

"AntiYCH"

Falling with the door right into the house, lets begin with this one.

On paper, this seems like a good idea and this could have gone a lot ways but yes, i dont name the artist who "created" this..."thing" but let me explain it because its a bit "unclear" for sure just by reading it. I mean, you could have thought its a nice script or some pose idea with random pictures or figures right? hahaha - no. Nada. compliedly wrong.

If your idea was basically that you pay a kinder surprise egg with the only and ONLY knowledge of knowing what you "end up" with is with your character than youre a winner. Yes, you heard it right. the "core" of this said "AntiYCH" is that you pay a price to let your character drawn in basically ANY situation. the artist you give the "permission" (aka the money) to draw your character basically spins a wheel with tags on it. those can be normal or NSFW tags ranging from normal one to literally borderline compliedly extreme ones you MIGHT dont wanna see your character in - most offer also 2 tags aka 2 spins to create a combo. The deal is also if you wanna see such "tags" you dont like your character be drawn in "gone", some artists offer an extra price to "erase" those from the wheel for you.

IF you thought already that this is basically gambling, you won yourself a new shiny toaster! congratulations! Get it on the way out of here because stuff gets more nutty than this~

-----

"Originality"

It seems like as of late a lot "artists" tend to use a lot memes in their art next to the usual stuff they did do already and this is something i noticed a lot MOSTLY around newgrounds. I mean i dont call out names of "artists" here but here is the thing:

On newgrounds, ONE of the rules is WHEN EVER YOU UPLOAD something there that you D O N T use anything you dont have the rights to - basically copyrighted stuff and like.

So when ever i tried to upload something with something copyrighted, it gets quickly taken down which is infact a good point...

...so why the fuck do people still use and S T I L L upload videos, animations or similar with CLEARLY COPYRIGHTED (or trademarked) MUSIC?

Like is this a thing? Are only people with higher ranks are "supost" to upload videos with copyrighted content in it? I mean i dont get it, can someone clear me up? why is it that if someone uses the tetris theme, as one sample, with barely any watchers, in one of his videos, has to take it down on newgrounds wile i could name 100% FOR SURE RIGHT NOW AT ONES AT L E A S T 5-10 videos with copyrighted content in them which are LONGER THAN 1 WEEK old on newgrounds? No, im dead serious here, SOME of them got even P L A C E D for rewards n shit WITH said copyrighted content in it.

Thats what i call a great double standart there am i right? I mean i dont get the vote system on Newgrounds anyways. All i see are mostly fans buttvoting their faved "artist" just 5 stars up the ass wile real gems get nearly no vote or end up in limbo. I saw some.

I mean i could use a personal sample with "DareDevil 2" which actually DID got called out already on other pages as "small but fine hidden gem" but on newgrounds its basically a street prostitute which doesnt use any "buzz words" or looks "hip" on the first glance.

Am not mad because it is that way because i can come with another logic sample that, AGAIN, i cant be such a bad "creator" of games if literally a FUCKING SIMPLE breakout clone with some naked IMP pictures (thx Faly again) is even better rated there than a 3-year work project. Yes, this is how fucked up the rate- n vote system is on newgrounds and im honest here, i hate it, no. i dispite it.

Im serious here. I like if people sure vote my things and stuff but if they are honest, its worth more than a vote.

A lot people on other pages, and some on newgrounds, already leave comments under my work and i try to read every single one. it helps me more than 5 star-ing all stuff and basically dont leave a comment at all. Think about it: how do you think artists will learn? If you literally carry their shit up their ass or if you tell them what they maybe could better? critique, comments, communication. THOSE are just some key words here.

-----

I could go on and on now but i had to get this out of my system because as of late, i feel like im a "diing creator". a being which only exists because i have still some honor and "faith". but yea...looking around me and seeing "things" which also call themselves "artists" or "creators"...

If those "things" which call themselves creators "mean" it, humanity has fallen from its grace not just ONE step from its ladder, just saying.

For people which are suffering through bad days, feeling down or, being that honest, suffer of depression:

this might will help understand your problem or other(s) problem better.

Its not fun to be missunderstood on this world nor is it fun if you dont see really any alternative in your life anymore. what ever the reason is why you feel the way you do, remember one tiny thing:

You are not alone.

Suffering of the "black dog" or depression, so to speak, is not good and even i suffer through it. I am on the way to work on it, getting people which try to help me with my problems and i got myself some books which are called "i had a black dog" and "living with a black dog". One of the books, the first, is for people which have depression - the other is for understanding how depression "works".

i found myself the said books as actual videos which are quite nice to look. i hope those might will cheer you a bit up or, at least, help you understand the black dog a bit better.

Depression is from case to case different. Some people might dont understand it and try only their best to help which, for the people which DO suffer through it, might take different. Even if said person might be grumpy, im sure they dont often mean it this way.

i hope this 2 videos/books help you understand a bit more of the world from people which suffer of the black dog...

video 1 > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

video 2 > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRRx7Mtep8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28--5aEV1Z0

Kinda funny to say, this "song" is basically my brain right now if i try to get "ANY" idea to draw something - im literally like trying hard but cant force myself to get one.

And before i ruin myself and literally DO force myself to draw something, i better take some days and draw something i like and not any half-baked souless art i might dont enjoy doing nor you guys looking at.

With that said, im really in need of some good (and fitting...) ideas. So i will take it a bit "slower" that the art i create will still look good and, as i said, not like half-baked souless art i just shit out for some attention.

Next to this, Faly got in touch with me and we might also create something together soon if i get some days off to "work" on it (thats a hint, take it as you wish~).

Else, whats new?

Well as i said i got my new PC now and it works great. I also try to work on my health and depression problems - in fact i orderd myself a book i got said might helps me, "my black dog" (german title "Mein schwarzer Hund", link here: https://www.amazon.de/dp/3888975379 ). Im not really someone who DOES read a lot but someone told me it might helps me so i thought why not.

Else yea, not much is new. Need to find some ideas and maybe feel a bt better to get back drawing something good. i still have one picture in the making but after that one, its literally riddle time to get a new idea heh ^^;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWxQSLGegDg

Ok, corona by side now and that literally the last years were basically HELL for me anyway (and for most people as well), as of late, i more and more noticed that a lot stuff feels really "off" in this years. This might happend already earlier but i think it really did start, for the most part, around the 2020s.

What i mean is literally stereotyping everything here somewhat.

As one sample, i tried to ignore todays "kids" music and what they listen - i mean tbh, a lot is really bull and some days ago, i basically got even agreed on the fact by others as well.

Just some days ago, here in germany on my workplace, one of my workbuddies booted up his "music playist" which were suppost to be "new music" (some of them in german).

We listen to it a bit wile we were working but just like after 2 songs, it was basically all "remixes" of music from the old early 90s and 80s.

Dont get me wrong, i like remixes and i like synthwave version of music (hinting the music i linked as ONE sample) but those music was also PROMOTED as "new music" as we changed to actual radio channels.

Like, the actual fack? It feels like musicians cant create anything new anymore and just "grab" something random from an old era which was somewhat good...and make it WORSE and call it music?

Im so glad i grew up years ago because holy fuck is that horrible - even more for the german-music part, trust me here.

Same would also be the trend i already TALKED about which is the artistic trend of drawing females - or transforming them basically - as "bimbos" or "bimbo-fied".

Yes, as of late (at least as i kinda said already so i try to keep it short this time), where EVER you look around, you see a lot "known" artists draw such characters nowadays. short stacked, small, super oversized boobs and hips. Not fitting the characters at all nor would a normal person be able to move with them. Again, trying to keep it short but everyone has his/her own taste..but jesus FUCKING crrrrrist, at least think a bit BEFORE you create such monster. Such characters cant move at fucking all so jesus, dont play "god" with them.

Of course, im just a voice in the wind and sure, none of those artists would take even 2 cents from me for real NOR am i the one who creates "the norm" or something...but my characters can at least breath and fucking move. So again, i didnt say everyone should draw like me and thin characters (because that was last time compliedly missunderstood...) but at least somewhat trustworthy, believeable AND SOMEWHAT "relatable" because than people actually enjoy such charcters more for sure. But yea, than we have of course "the horny" ones which literally give a fuck about such stuff and literally 5-star everything which is fuckable with 2 legs and at least 1 hole anyway i guess...

Another one since the late years, i mean its longer by now for sure but..., its the whole "remake" trend. Movies, Games, musics (basically as i said), it feels like nothing "new" is comming out anymore but gets either "remasterd", "remade" or similar - or a new game is "suppost" to be "free to pleeeee" but has like 5k multi transactions and microtransactions where you already can see that the creators of such games doesnt "want" you to enjoy their game, they wanna milk the living shit out of you.

As for one sample would be, for me, and im sure a lot know that i am a huge lemmings fan.

... Did someone of you ever tried the "game" horror on mobile phones which is the Lemmings game on mobile? How in the FACKING world could Lemmings, a great puzzle platformer "RTS" series END UP as this piece of shit??? Like for fucking REAL, how???

So yea...i know its just my 5 cents to that but it feels like i had to talk about it.

Another side note as well is that i will, hopefully, get myself a new PC (main tower part) soonish since mine is getting to old again, sadly, for all the stuff im doing on. It will still be a Windows 10 one (since i wanted it that way because fuck it) but a huge upgrade already.

So how do you think about the whole situation as of late? Feel free to leave a comment if you want.